Dudes, I totally and completely did not knit fast enough. In fact, I knit so un-fast that the powers that produced such a wonderful, perfect first mitten actually reversed their effects. It's like they not only wore off on my future production of speedy, even stitches at a perfect gauge, they actually wore off of the first mitten as well.
I should have seen it coming when I knit the thumb. I picked up the wrong number of stitches. I dropped stitches. I messed up the pattern. My floats were tight. My decreases sucked... and then I tried on the mitten. The thumb was fine (somehow. I mean, I knit it three times so I shouldn't be surprised, but I am), but the mitten, the WHOLE FREAKING MITTEN was too small! You see that? You see what happened? The magic that had given me a perfectly fitting, one-day mitten wore off and it became what it was all along. A stupid too-small mitten with ugly decreases that may very well be partnerless for eternity because when I started the second one?
It was too big. Like two inches too big. (I think I've moved from Cinderella to Goldilocks. The only problem is that mittens come in twos, not threes and therefore I will never have one that is "just right.") Yayo of the comments was right when she told me to rip out the first cuff and start over (but I couldn't reply to her comments directly because I don't have her email address so I'm tell you here, Yayo. Totally spot on. I must have just been wearing my rose-tinted glasses. Or maybe they were more like beer goggles.)
Knitting totally blows sometimes, ya know?